Satire: Ducks in water could increase oxygen content

According to Biplab Deb, the chief minister of Tripura, the oxygen content of water will increase if ducks swim in it. [Satire begins here] This is a sensational new discovery that has drastic implications for Earth’s future. The lawmaker’s thinking suggests it might have something to do with duck-farts.

There are thousands of water bodies around the world where masses of ducks have been swimming for tens of millions of years, and which could now be flush with oxygen. As a result, our planet now appears to be due for major bio-ecological changes as the abundance of oxygen is likely to spur cascading evolutionary effects.

In fact, it is being speculated that, in the aftermath of Deb’s confirmation, the sixth extinction of the Anthropocene epoch might just be halted in its tracks and forced to do a volte face; all it will take is lots of ducks. This might explain why oil companies in Texas are confident that their proposal to have the government erect a $12-billion ‘sea wall’ to protect their coastal facilities against rising water levels will be taken seriously.

At the same time, there also appears to be growing public resentment against scientists, with people wondering whether supposed researchers spending tax dollars might have kept this simple solution away from governments in an effort to maintain their self-importance. Major news publications like OneOp are reporting that this could be an urban naxal conspiracy and that a concerned ministry is expected to conduct raids soon. IndiaIndiaIndia reported that there’s a joke somewhere in here about going quack.

According to Indian Express, it appears Deb had also discovered that the ducks would recycle the oxygen in the water and prevent its molecules from going to waste. Thankfully for the minister as well as for the rest of us, oxygen molecules don’t affect the pH value of water, or we would also be confronted with a major acidity/salinity catastrophe. In all, it’s good news for everyone, including the people who will supply the 50,000 ducklings Deb says he will distribute among Tripura’s fisherfolk.

A senior scientist who didn’t wish to be named expressed surprise at the finding, and said he had applied for a grant to study the molecular chemistry of duck-farts. “I expect to hear back in five years,” he said. The same individual also expressed regret later. “We all had a chance to find this out before but we did not. It’s because we didn’t study the Vedas as thoroughly as we should have. Hopefully we will learn from this mistake. Om.”


Featured image credit: Ryk Naves/Unsplash.